Dear SRSBZNZ: Vol. 3.

Normally we wouldn't write two of these columns so close together, but we think this letter demands our immediate attention:

Dear SRSBZNZ, 

I love Star Trek like it is my own child. Nothing makes me happier than watching Captain Kirk punch the crap out of some dude in an alligator alien suit. The only problem is, my boyfriend is a Star Wars fan (ugh, loser), and he has expressed the desire to burn my entire Blu-Ray Trek collection. I want to move in with him, but I worry about what will happen if we ever have to share a TV. What should I do?


Sincerely, 
SRS Trekkie

***

Dear Trekkie,

While we understand your concern, we think you both need to get over yourselves. You won't get anywhere with your boyfriend by calling him a loser for liking Star Wars, and we hope you're wise enough to hightail it out of there if he actually burns your Blu-Ray collection. That's not just mean, it's kind of scary.

But seriously. You and your boyfriend are missing out on some very important bonding opportunities. Both of these franchises are brilliant in their own way. If you allow your boyfriend to share Star Wars with you, maybe he will become more open to the possibility of watching Star Trek. You can use these series as opportunities to learn about each other. However, by refusing to see the value of each other's favorite series, you and your boyfriend are just perpetuating a really stupid feud. Geek wars are for, well, geeks. But, like, the lame kind. The SRSBZNZ geek takes all science fiction and appreciates its good and bad points. Also, the SRSBZNZ geek spreads peace and love. We're like the hippies of geekdom, but unlike hippies (and many geeks), we shower regularly.

So, Trekkie, get out the popcorn and settle in for an evening of Star Wars goodness. If nothing else, we're pretty sure you'll love R2-D2.

May the Force Live Long and Prosper With You,
SRSBZNZ

Image from awfulcontent.com

Dear SRSBZNZ: Vol. 2

Dear SRSBZNZ,

My mom recently showed me a dating book called Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. Under the heading "Be Careful What You Say," the Rabbi lists a number of topics to avoid whilst on your first date. At one point, he says, "Never talk about Star Trek." My question is: srsly? Never talk about Star Trek on a date?

Sincerely,

Srsly Confused

***

Dear Srsly Confused,

Firstly, Rabbi Shmuley wrote a dating book?? Interesting.

Anyways, let's examine his advice. As fans of Star Trek, we were admittedly annoyed at the good Rabbi. After all, what's wrong with being a Trekkie? The show is a cultural force, and countless people have fallen in love with its characters and numerous spin-offs. Why then would it be a social faux pas to gush about the ample nacelles of the Enterprise? SRSBZNZ is going to suggest that it goes right back to the stigma attached to being a geek. Despite our unbelievably scientific study, society still views geeks as social pariahs. Apparently, we're awkward, lonely, and capable of emotional fulfillment only through weird intellectual and technological pursuits. Given this perception, no wonder Rabbi Shmuley disapproves of flashing your geek cred over dinner. You might as well be telling your date that you have herpes.

So what should you do? Here is our advice. SRSBZNZ recommends that unless your date is a certified Trekkie, it's probably best to refrain from showing off your in-depth knowledge of that "Shore Leave" episode or waxing poetic on your childhood fear of the Borg. The principle behind our opinion is this: when you're on a date, you don't want to blab incessantly about your favorite hobby, no matter what it is. It's rather self-involved, and if your date doesn't share your interest, he's going to be bored. Nevertheless, there is nothing wrong in revealing your love for Star Trek if the topic of favorite TV shows ever comes up. If your date is really into you, he'll be - at worst - politely indifferent, and at best, enthusiastic or amused.

And really, let's think about the long-term here: if you don't scare your potential SO away the first time around, you always have time in the future to convert him into a fan.

Dear SRSBZNZ: the Valentine's Day Edition

NOTE: In honor of Valentine's Day, SRSBZNZ is taking the opportunity to launch its advice column. If you have any pressing questions for us, let us know. We're here to help.

Dear SRSBZNZ,

My girlfriend and I recently broke up, and at the moment, she is refusing to talk to me. I want to try and work things out, but I just don't know what to do. Plus, Valentine's Day is around the corner and I really don't want to spend the holiday wanking alone in a room.

Sincerely,

Broken-Hearted

***

Dear Broken-Hearted,

Never fear: the girls of SRSBZNZ will solve your romantic woes. The fact that you're not on speaking terms with your girlfriend means that drastic measures are required to recapture her attention and to convince her of your undying love. Thus, while other experts would suggest silly things like "apologizing" and learning how to practice effective "listening skills," we're going to tell you that triggering the Zombocalypse is your best bet to rekindling the romance. Why? Because there is nothing like the threat of certain death to get hormones raging. Just look at the most recent additions to the zombie movie repertoire: in Shaun of the Dead, the zombocalypse gives the titular character a chance to perform a number of heroic acts, thus convincing his ex-girlfriend to get back together with him. In Zombieland, wimpy Columbus saves his dream girl from a gaggle of zombies and is rewarded with a kiss.

Conclusion: being heroic and selfless is the best way to win a girl's heart. So go start a zombie crisis, and then demonstrate your affection by saving your girlfriend - and her brains - from the living dead. (For ideas on how to begin the Zombocalypse, please see our Twitter.)

And just for fun, SRSBZNZ searched "zombie love" in Google, and this is what we came up with:

1. A 2007 musical entitled "Zombie Love," wherein a 200 year old zombie named Dante falls in love with a mortal girl named Claudia. As you can imagine, Dante is torn between his desire to woo Claudia and his urge to eat her brains. We are so putting this movie on our "To Watch" list.
2. A t-shirt featuring a zombie couple making out.
   

Happy Valentine's Day!