So Bad, It's Good: Doom, the Movie

Karl Urban as "Reaper"

Here at SRSBZNZ, one of the things we love best are movies that are "so bad, it's good." Thankfully, the sci-fi/fantasy genre has more than its fair share of duds to keep us entertained, and we'd like to spotlight one of them in particular: that is, the 2005 classic known as Doom.

If you've ever played Doom, you'll know that it's a first person shooter video game that is ultra violent and filled with enemy monsters that you can mow down with your gun. The film itself has an exhilarating sequence in which the camera assumes the first person perspective, and for awhile, it really feels like you're the one shooting at the enemy. Doom is also surprisingly good at maintaining the suspense. But none of these things justify spending two hours of your life on this movie. Below are the real reasons why you should rent Doom today.

1) It stars The Rock.

Don't tell us that you refuse to see Dwayne Johnson try to convey authority by making his eyes bulge out of its sockets. As Sarge - the hardcore leader of a band of Marines sent to a research facility on Mars in order to "kill and destroy" - you get to see The Rock emoting by furrowing his brows, swearing, and waving around an impossibly huge gun. And we don't want to give anything away, but if you've ever wondered what Mr. Johnson would look like as a zombie, here is your chance.

2) It also stars Karl Urban.

We'll admit: the thought of seeing a rugged, soldierly Karl Urban - aka Doctor McCoy in the new Star Trek movie - was the main reason we even watched this movie in the first place. And ladies, you won't be disappointed: Karl Urban is John Grimm (or "Reaper"). He's the smart, noble, brooding hero with the tragic past and an estranged sister. What's not to love? Look at that face above: it's practically Shakespearean in its tragicosity. And while Karl is given some pretty terrible lines, he still manages to imbue them with dignity and sensitivity. In short, we'd hit it harder than the angry fist of God.

3) It has God-awful dialogue.

Like all craptacular movies, Doom has a script that will make you laugh like a loon (unintentionally, of course.) Some of our favorite lines come from banter between the men; others are produced by the weird sexual chemistry Reaper has with his twin sister. Here are some of our favorite gems:

• "Looks like we missed the party."
• "If they were so smart, how come they're so dead?"
• "You know, Duke, I bet secretly you've got a big heart."
• "Does it ever bother you, you could've spent your life looking in a microscope instead of a sniper scope?"
• "I'm taking a shit, you fucking gimp."

Ah, poetry.

4) There are monsters and zombies.

This is arguably the most important reason why you should see this movie. The zombies in this movie don't shuffle along and moan. They're fast, they snarl at you, and they'll put an axe through your head if you give them the chance. The monsters are pretty gross and terrifying too. If you haven't been convinced by this post thus far, just see this movie for the creatures, because they're awesome.

Screencap from Sagralisse

Dear SRSBZNZ: the Valentine's Day Edition

NOTE: In honor of Valentine's Day, SRSBZNZ is taking the opportunity to launch its advice column. If you have any pressing questions for us, let us know. We're here to help.

Dear SRSBZNZ,

My girlfriend and I recently broke up, and at the moment, she is refusing to talk to me. I want to try and work things out, but I just don't know what to do. Plus, Valentine's Day is around the corner and I really don't want to spend the holiday wanking alone in a room.

Sincerely,

Broken-Hearted

***

Dear Broken-Hearted,

Never fear: the girls of SRSBZNZ will solve your romantic woes. The fact that you're not on speaking terms with your girlfriend means that drastic measures are required to recapture her attention and to convince her of your undying love. Thus, while other experts would suggest silly things like "apologizing" and learning how to practice effective "listening skills," we're going to tell you that triggering the Zombocalypse is your best bet to rekindling the romance. Why? Because there is nothing like the threat of certain death to get hormones raging. Just look at the most recent additions to the zombie movie repertoire: in Shaun of the Dead, the zombocalypse gives the titular character a chance to perform a number of heroic acts, thus convincing his ex-girlfriend to get back together with him. In Zombieland, wimpy Columbus saves his dream girl from a gaggle of zombies and is rewarded with a kiss.

Conclusion: being heroic and selfless is the best way to win a girl's heart. So go start a zombie crisis, and then demonstrate your affection by saving your girlfriend - and her brains - from the living dead. (For ideas on how to begin the Zombocalypse, please see our Twitter.)

And just for fun, SRSBZNZ searched "zombie love" in Google, and this is what we came up with:

1. A 2007 musical entitled "Zombie Love," wherein a 200 year old zombie named Dante falls in love with a mortal girl named Claudia. As you can imagine, Dante is torn between his desire to woo Claudia and his urge to eat her brains. We are so putting this movie on our "To Watch" list.
2. A t-shirt featuring a zombie couple making out.
   

Happy Valentine's Day!

Wednesday is for the Ladies: The Zombocalypse is SRSBZNZ.

Girlfriend, you know it's coming: The Zombocalypse. And we must be prepared!

For those who have not been preparing for this moment for the last several years, "Zombocalypse" is a contraction of "zombie" and "apocalypse." Therefore, the term Zombocalypse refers to an apocalypse involving zombies. We're sure you already knew that, but you can never be too safe in the event of a zombie attack. Now, zombies are creatures who were once dead, but have come back to life (probably by sticking their hand out of a freshly filled-in grave, climbing out, and making lots of groaning noises). They want to eat your brains. But you can defend yourself in the face of certain zombie death.

There have been several films and books dedicated to teaching us about zombie defense. (And by "several," we of course mean "gazillions.") According to Wikipedia, which we all know and love as the most legitimate research source on the interwebz, the first-ever zombie film was called White Zombie and was released in 1932. But we haven't seen that movie, so we're going to talk about different ones.

The first zombie movie we ever saw (being unfamiliar with the zombie genre at the time) was Shaun of the Dead. The creators of this film suggest that zombies can be defeated with a cricket bat or other forceful object. If you are American, a baseball bat works just fine. If you are from planet earth, but do not play sports, your zombie-killing arsenal should include some type of frying pan, as they are likely to be found in even the most remote home. But we like cricket bats because we're anglophiles.

Our next zombie exposure was the original version of Dawn of the Dead. They took out the zombies with guns, as did the soldiers of everyone's favorite zomedy (that's a word we just made up to mean a zombie movie that is also a comedy), Zombieland. If you are new to the Zombocalypse, we suggest you begin your training with Zombieland.

In addition to providing examples of weapons to be used in the event of a zombie attack (guns, cars, fists, dressing up as a zombie version of yourself), Zombieland also outlines a set of rules. Rule number one? Cardio. In other words, learn how to run. Run like the wind! We're trying to avoid saying, "Run like hell." Oops - too late.

The movie also suggests that we learn to rely only on ourselves and have no friends, but later disproves this theory by giving the main character friends and a love interest. We suggest you not follow the lone wolf rule. Friends are fun! How else will you live when you find yourself on one of those theme park rides that takes you up a tower and then drops you, and the ride is surrounded by zombies? That's what friends are for.

If, after watching Zombieland, you feel you are still unprepared for the Zombocalypse, you can always try the HelloKitty chainsaw.

Dawn of the Literary Mashup

Put on your thinking caps, dear readers. SRSBZNZ is going to be srsly intellectual today, because we're talking about the phenomenon known as the "literary mashup" (LM). This isn't the first time we've done a post on this topic: a little while ago, we published a brief review of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. We still haven't finished the book, and for various reasons, we probably never will. But before we delve into those reasons, it might be useful to discuss what a "literary mashup" actually is.

Essentially, the LM mixes your favorite works of literature with sci-fi/fantasy tropes. A cursory search on Amazon suggests that zombies are the trope du jour, with vampires getting an honorary mention:

• Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.
• Jane Bites Back.
• The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombie Jim.
• The Undead World of Oz: L. Frank Baum's The Wonderful Wizard of Oz Complete With Zombies and Monsters.
• Mr. Darcy, Vampire
  

We could go on, but we think it's clear from the list that the LM is a growing genre. But what does that mean for the world of literature? According to one literary blogger, the LM is a good thing, because it proves that culture has become a democratic enterprise. Anyone can now reinterpret books that were once the purview of snobby scholars working within the ivory tower of the university. Other bloggers have suggested that LMs will encourage audiences to read the original work of literature that the book is based on.

Well. Those are pretty hefty things to attribute to a novel about zombies. We at SRSBZNZ obviously love zombies (figuratively speaking, of course.) And we love literature. But like sex and alcohol, sometimes two enjoyable things just shouldn't mix.

To us, LMs are gimmicky. Writers and publishers seem to be adding blood, brains, and monsters to Jane Austen simply because it's "cool" to update literature in this way. Although classics need to be constantly reinterpreted in order to survive, the gratuitous addition of violence and horror underestimates the intelligence of readers. It suggests that without gore and pop culture references, we won't expose ourselves to literature voluntarily, because our generation is lazy, and we possess the attention span of a gnat (EDIT: we at SRSBZNZ admit that we're easily distracted. But not when it comes to literature.)

Another point: why can't we promote the merits of literature on its own terms? Why do we need to add monsters to Mark Twain's text in order to convince people that Huck Finn is actually a good story? It's akin to HarperCollins slapping a Twilight-esque cover on classics like Wuthering Heights and declaring the novel "Bella's Favorite." Barf.

LMs do have their good points. It takes a certain amount of ingenuity and wit to rework the opening line of Pride and Prejudice into this: “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains will be in want of more brains.” And LMs do have snazzy titles. But whether or not a literary mashup can stand as an interesting novel in its own right is debatable.

Having said all this, we at SRSBZNZ will probably continue to read LMs in the hope of finding The One. After all, people continue to mix sex and alcohol all the time, and sometimes - if the stars are aligned - it can be really awesome.

WWJD: What Would Jane Do?

We feel like Jane Austen would have a fit - in the old school way, of course, involving fainting and swooning and smelling salts - if she knew about Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which we started reading yesterday. The new author has taken our beloved Elizabeth Bennet and turned her into a driven ninja (ninja? really?) zombie-killer, who thinks less about the attraction of love than about the attraction of holding a still-beating heart in her hands. No, really. A still-beating heart.

So far, we've only read about 50 pages of the book, but there have been something like six zombie battles and apparently, P and P and Z's Mr. Darcy has fallen in love with Elizabeth because of her epic zombie murder skillz. And her fine eyes, of course. Mr. Darcy in this book is also very proud of his "chestnut mane," which really just makes us feel like we're reading a harlequin, and we only read those if they're about pirates. We know this blog is about sci-fi and everything, but we're going to take a moment and nerd out about historical accuracy (as in, period writing - obviously, inserting zombies into anything obliterates any shred of historical accuracy) and grammar: Jane Austen did not use contractions. Also, we're pretty sure no one in the west called it "Beijing" in the eighteenth century, which is why we disapprove of the whole ninja bit. And anyway, aren't ninas Japanese?

Moment over.

And in case we haven't stressed it enough: Did Elizabeth really have to be a ninja zombie killer?