Wednesday is For the Ladies: A Handy Guide to Science Fiction

Being ladies, we understand that sometimes men can be a bit confusing. We also understand that some ladies do not find science fiction as fascinating as we do, and they really only put up with it out of love for said confusing men. It's all good. But if you're looking for a guide to some of the more famous sci-fi characters (and, okay, Jesus), look no further:

Photo credit to somebody's Xanga, via our (and when we say "our," we refer to both writers of this blog) friend Adam. You rock, Adam!

Wednesday is For the Ladies: Fake Sci-Fi

We went to see Cop Out last night. What, we love Tracy Morgan, and we're not ashamed to admit it. It was okay, but it got us thinking about all the totally impossible stuff that goes on in movies that aren't actually supposed to fall into the science fiction genre.

That's right, ladies. Moviemakers continually try to fool you with their crazy stunts, so that you will think that blatantly impossible occurrences can totally happen. Do not allow them to dupe you! Here are some crazy tricks to look out for.

1. Fake ninja moves. One of our good friends is a ninja, and it's quite an eye-opening experience to go to the movies with her. All those fight scenes in the movies? Unnecessary. For example, when Dude Number One spends fifteen seconds twirling his fighting-stick and then delivers a fatal blow to Dude Number Two. We don't even think about how ridiculous that is while we're watching the movies, but you just know that if that fight were real, Dude Number Two would A) have kicked Dude Number One where the sun don't shine, or B) pulled a SRSBZNZ and RUN LIKE HELL in the other direction. It is scientifically impossible (okay, maybe we're exaggerating a little bit) for Dude Number One to win a fight when he's so distracted by his own baton-twirling skillz.

2. Running away from explosions. First of all, NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION EXPLOSIONS. Don't try to tell us that you can say, "Hmm, I think something is going to blow up in exactly one-point-five seconds and I can totally outrun it." We call your bluff, Hollywood. Your ass is dead. It got blown up along with everything else. If surviving a huge bomb blast twenty feet away from where you ended up (we're assuming you're a ridiculously fast runner) isn't science fiction, we don't know what is.

3. Two main characters taking time out from the danger to declare their love for one another. We're sorry, but that bomb that's one-point-five seconds away from exploding? Probably not going to wait for your crush to tell you he wants to be with you forever and ever, amen. This is not to say that danger doesn't make people fall in love, but we're going to let you in on a little secret: Dude is probably more interested in escaping the explosion than he is in you. It's that whole self-preservation thing. We're sure he'll take time for you later, though.

So, ladies, just remember: Hollywood is full of lies, and you can find science fiction in any movie, no matter what the "genre." (We never liked labels, anyway).

Wednesday is For the Ladies: Sci-Fi Weddings

Ah, weddings. We just sent off our RSVP for a friend's wedding, which will no doubt be a lovely affair. The invitation, however, got us thinking: What kinds of hilarious sci-fi-themed nuptials can we find on the Internet? The answers, friends, are  below:

First up, Star Wars. Y'all know there are plenty of Star Wars fans out there who love the series SO MUCH that they have to have a theme wedding. And really, who wouldn't want Chewbacca to make the best man's speech? "WOOOOOOOIIIEEOEOOOOOOO. Cheers!"

Of course, we at SRSBZNZ can't be too partial, so we thought we'd also see what shenanigans our fellow Trekkies got up to at their weddings. Not gonna lie, we'd love to get married on the Enterprise by a dude who looks like Jean-Luc Picard in retirement. Okay, so maybe we'd require it to be Patrick Stewart. Actually, can we just marry Patrick Stewart? Or Shatner. We're not picky. Well, Shatner then rather than now.

Speaking of people we'd like to marry (David Tennant), we wanted to see a Doctor Who wedding, too. It would be soooo easy to get married in the TARDIS, since it's bigger on the inside. For a honeymoon, we'd go to the future, somewhere in a distant galaxy, with a beach. Or whatever. And since apparently no one has yet put pictures of their Doctor Who wedding on the first two pages of Google Images, we'd be the first. We'd start with this Doctor-and-Rose-Tyler cake topper. Obviously, it would go on top of a cake shaped like a Dalek. We're blonde like Rose, so that part is covered, but that dress would have to go. For realz ... like we need a giant bow to remind us where our hips are. No, thank you.

Happy weddings, ladies!

Wednesday is For the Ladies, and That's the Only Reason We're Writing This.

We've read the books and seen the movies, and we have to admit ... we have a love/hate relationship with Twilight. On the one hand, Smeyer writes a pretty entertaining love story, so long as you're a sucker. Which we are. On the other hand, if you are a reflective sort of reader, once you detach yourself from the story, you wish fervently that you could rewind your day and do something else with it.

For us, the moment of reflective clarity came during Breaking Dawn. We thought the book overall was kind of lame, but once she got to the part where Bella named her baby Renesmee, it was over. We could no longer take it seriously. Our irreverence, however, made watching the movies so much more entertaining.

While we're on the subject, we have a confession to make: we got chastised by rabid fans during the midnight showing of Twilight. Our friend, who is of the gentleman variety, really wanted to see the midnight showing, and we were happy for him to use our enthusiasm as an excuse ("What? She dragged me to it!"). Whilst we giggled happily at every moment of pure awkwardness, the fan next to us apparently became angrier and angrier, until she said, "Shut the [expletive deleted] up or LEAVE!" It just made us giggle more.

ANYWAYS. Since Wednesday is for the Ladies, we thought we might discuss the gentlemen of the Twilight series, particularly Edward and Jacob. We are wholeheartedly on the side of Team Jacob, because he is happy much more frequently than Edward. Jacob cracks jokes. He tries to make Bella smile. Basically, he's kind of a sweetheart. And although we understand why that would not be something you would want your boyfriend to do ALL the time - we certainly wouldn't - he's just way less lame than Edward.

Despite our fervent love of Jacob, we understand the appeal of Edward. He's all mysterious and broody, and we, who are fair-skinned, would definitely not be intimidated by his tan, since he doesn't have one. Also, we really like rain. And the Cullens are nice ... Okay, we really don't get why everybody is all up in Edward's business.

Allow us to outline some of our reasons for disliking Edward.

1. He's selfish. All he ever thinks about is how much he loves Bella, and why that's bad or whatever. He never thinks about what she might want. Jacob is all about what Bella wants.
2. He's too serious. Dude, chill out. Yes, there are psycho vampires around. But don't you realize that love conquers everything, even bloodsuckers?
3. He's kind of a control freak. Edward is always trying to "protect" Bella by forbidding her to leave her house, or sending family members to spy on her. Jacob, on the other hand, allows Bella some space. He'll tell her if she's doing something stupid, but he never says, "I am going to prevent something from occurring because I think it will protect you." Edward does it all the freakin' time. Liek, OMG, let her think for herself.
4. He's cold. This is totally a personal quirk. We are always cold. No, seriously, our fingers are like ice cubes RIGHT NOW, as we type this. We could not handle the vampire.

Yes, we think Edward is super lame, but really, we think the whole series is kind of lame. Even though we find Jacob infinitely preferable to Edward, we would not date either of them (we would also not date their real-life counterparts, because RPattz is totally a stoner and Taylor Lautner is too young). In fact, we're not even sure why we spent the last half-hour writing about them.

Peace out.

Wednesday is for the Ladies: The Zombocalypse is SRSBZNZ.

Girlfriend, you know it's coming: The Zombocalypse. And we must be prepared!

For those who have not been preparing for this moment for the last several years, "Zombocalypse" is a contraction of "zombie" and "apocalypse." Therefore, the term Zombocalypse refers to an apocalypse involving zombies. We're sure you already knew that, but you can never be too safe in the event of a zombie attack. Now, zombies are creatures who were once dead, but have come back to life (probably by sticking their hand out of a freshly filled-in grave, climbing out, and making lots of groaning noises). They want to eat your brains. But you can defend yourself in the face of certain zombie death.

There have been several films and books dedicated to teaching us about zombie defense. (And by "several," we of course mean "gazillions.") According to Wikipedia, which we all know and love as the most legitimate research source on the interwebz, the first-ever zombie film was called White Zombie and was released in 1932. But we haven't seen that movie, so we're going to talk about different ones.

The first zombie movie we ever saw (being unfamiliar with the zombie genre at the time) was Shaun of the Dead. The creators of this film suggest that zombies can be defeated with a cricket bat or other forceful object. If you are American, a baseball bat works just fine. If you are from planet earth, but do not play sports, your zombie-killing arsenal should include some type of frying pan, as they are likely to be found in even the most remote home. But we like cricket bats because we're anglophiles.

Our next zombie exposure was the original version of Dawn of the Dead. They took out the zombies with guns, as did the soldiers of everyone's favorite zomedy (that's a word we just made up to mean a zombie movie that is also a comedy), Zombieland. If you are new to the Zombocalypse, we suggest you begin your training with Zombieland.

In addition to providing examples of weapons to be used in the event of a zombie attack (guns, cars, fists, dressing up as a zombie version of yourself), Zombieland also outlines a set of rules. Rule number one? Cardio. In other words, learn how to run. Run like the wind! We're trying to avoid saying, "Run like hell." Oops - too late.

The movie also suggests that we learn to rely only on ourselves and have no friends, but later disproves this theory by giving the main character friends and a love interest. We suggest you not follow the lone wolf rule. Friends are fun! How else will you live when you find yourself on one of those theme park rides that takes you up a tower and then drops you, and the ride is surrounded by zombies? That's what friends are for.

If, after watching Zombieland, you feel you are still unprepared for the Zombocalypse, you can always try the HelloKitty chainsaw.

Wednesday is For the Ladies: Idiocy is SRSBZNZ

Since this blog calls itself "The Twentysomething Girl's Guide to Sci-Fi and Fantasy," we thought we might start using our Wednesday posts to write things that connect twentysomething-year-old girls with, well, sci-fi and fantasy. This week, we would like to discuss Stupid Behavior By Young Women and its role in the sci-fi and fantasy genre (not to mention the countless other genres - including our local news - that employ this strategy to scare the pants off us on a nightly basis).

We know the scene all too well: young girl, driving by herself at night on a deserted road, stops for some reason or other, and is kidnapped, raped, murdered, you name it. We know that you, dear readers, are too intelligent to do this, because WHO GETS OUT OF THEIR CAR AT NIGHT ON A DESERTED ROAD AND LEAVES THE KEYS IN THE IGNITION (why, yes, we are thinking of a specific televised scene right now, how did you know?), but we just want to remind you of the dangers. Sci-fi shows loooove to use this sort of unwise behavior as an excuse for you to get shot by a crazy-advanced alien gun, because sci-fi writers are all boys, and you know how boys love their guns (both of the literal and the figurative sort). See also: murder shows wherein you get shot and die, local news wherein you get shot and die, Heroes wherein Sylar cuts your head open and steals your ability, or any of the above and carjacking. Trust us, you do NOT want to be stranded on a deserted road with no phone and no car. So please, ladies. Don't stop the car. Call 911 as you drive to the nearest public place, and let the police know where you will be.

This has been your public service announcement for the day.