Dear SRSBZNZ: Vol. 2

Dear SRSBZNZ,

My mom recently showed me a dating book called Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. Under the heading "Be Careful What You Say," the Rabbi lists a number of topics to avoid whilst on your first date. At one point, he says, "Never talk about Star Trek." My question is: srsly? Never talk about Star Trek on a date?

Sincerely,

Srsly Confused

***

Dear Srsly Confused,

Firstly, Rabbi Shmuley wrote a dating book?? Interesting.

Anyways, let's examine his advice. As fans of Star Trek, we were admittedly annoyed at the good Rabbi. After all, what's wrong with being a Trekkie? The show is a cultural force, and countless people have fallen in love with its characters and numerous spin-offs. Why then would it be a social faux pas to gush about the ample nacelles of the Enterprise? SRSBZNZ is going to suggest that it goes right back to the stigma attached to being a geek. Despite our unbelievably scientific study, society still views geeks as social pariahs. Apparently, we're awkward, lonely, and capable of emotional fulfillment only through weird intellectual and technological pursuits. Given this perception, no wonder Rabbi Shmuley disapproves of flashing your geek cred over dinner. You might as well be telling your date that you have herpes.

So what should you do? Here is our advice. SRSBZNZ recommends that unless your date is a certified Trekkie, it's probably best to refrain from showing off your in-depth knowledge of that "Shore Leave" episode or waxing poetic on your childhood fear of the Borg. The principle behind our opinion is this: when you're on a date, you don't want to blab incessantly about your favorite hobby, no matter what it is. It's rather self-involved, and if your date doesn't share your interest, he's going to be bored. Nevertheless, there is nothing wrong in revealing your love for Star Trek if the topic of favorite TV shows ever comes up. If your date is really into you, he'll be - at worst - politely indifferent, and at best, enthusiastic or amused.

And really, let's think about the long-term here: if you don't scare your potential SO away the first time around, you always have time in the future to convert him into a fan.

Wednesday is For the Ladies: Sci-Fi Weddings

Ah, weddings. We just sent off our RSVP for a friend's wedding, which will no doubt be a lovely affair. The invitation, however, got us thinking: What kinds of hilarious sci-fi-themed nuptials can we find on the Internet? The answers, friends, are  below:

First up, Star Wars. Y'all know there are plenty of Star Wars fans out there who love the series SO MUCH that they have to have a theme wedding. And really, who wouldn't want Chewbacca to make the best man's speech? "WOOOOOOOIIIEEOEOOOOOOO. Cheers!"

Of course, we at SRSBZNZ can't be too partial, so we thought we'd also see what shenanigans our fellow Trekkies got up to at their weddings. Not gonna lie, we'd love to get married on the Enterprise by a dude who looks like Jean-Luc Picard in retirement. Okay, so maybe we'd require it to be Patrick Stewart. Actually, can we just marry Patrick Stewart? Or Shatner. We're not picky. Well, Shatner then rather than now.

Speaking of people we'd like to marry (David Tennant), we wanted to see a Doctor Who wedding, too. It would be soooo easy to get married in the TARDIS, since it's bigger on the inside. For a honeymoon, we'd go to the future, somewhere in a distant galaxy, with a beach. Or whatever. And since apparently no one has yet put pictures of their Doctor Who wedding on the first two pages of Google Images, we'd be the first. We'd start with this Doctor-and-Rose-Tyler cake topper. Obviously, it would go on top of a cake shaped like a Dalek. We're blonde like Rose, so that part is covered, but that dress would have to go. For realz ... like we need a giant bow to remind us where our hips are. No, thank you.

Happy weddings, ladies!

Ode to Neil Gaiman

In 2008, a book called "Prince of Stories: The Many Worlds of Neil Gaiman" was published. SRSBZNZ hasn't read this scholarly treatment of Gaiman's works yet, but the title delights us. If anyone can be called the "Prince of Stories," it is the best-selling fantasy author who began his career writing for DC Comics. One look at Gaiman's bibliography and you realize that he is astoundingly prolific. If you've read his books and are a fan, you'll know that the fantasy/horror genres always feel fresh and never clichéd in his hands. But we think Gaiman also deserves another title, which may as well be "King of the Modern Fairy Tale."

Fairy tales are a type of folk narrative that often focus on the passage from childhood to adulthood. As a result, the genre tends to deal with some pretty dark subjects. Cruel and absentee parents, economic hardship, sexual threats, murder, and cannibalism are all common themes and symbols in the fairy tale. Gaiman's works cover these topics, even while he enchants us with the antics of witches, plucky heroines, and long-lost heirs. In fact, he reminds us a lot of Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, that pair of German brothers who brought us Hansel and Gretel, Little Red Riding Hood, and other popular folk tales.

Take Coraline as an example. In this story, the titular character encounters her Other Mother - a character that looks just like her ordinary mother, except that she has big black buttons for eyes. The Other Mother occupies an enchanted world that is the stuff of Coraline's dreams, but when she starts to prevent the girl from leaving, well...that's when the excrement hits the rotating propeller. All of the familiar fairy-tale elements are here: Coraline is a smart young heroine who attains maturity amidst her battles with a witch. And like the dark forest in which Hansel and Gretel find the gingerbread house, the Other Mother's world is a place where magic and evil exist side by side.

For kids, the plot of Coraline is a thrilling adventure story. But like all good fairy tales, the story is one for adults too. Amongst other things, Gaiman confronts us with the issue of how we distinguish good from evil. He looks at the dark undercurrents that appear in mother-daughter relationships, such as a daughter's attempt to gain control over her own life and the temptation to smother our children with love. He even dips into our greatest fears by asking us the question: what happens when our parents die? What do we do?

If you haven't read any of Gaiman's works, Coraline is a great place to start (although we admit that you really can't go wrong with any of Gaiman's works.) And as a parting note, we'd like to point out that the man has the most fantastic personal library ever. What we wouldn't do to have a collection of books like that...

Friday Whaaaat

We were going to post something epic today, but then we thought to ourselves...

So Bad, It's Good: Doom, the Movie

Karl Urban as "Reaper"

Here at SRSBZNZ, one of the things we love best are movies that are "so bad, it's good." Thankfully, the sci-fi/fantasy genre has more than its fair share of duds to keep us entertained, and we'd like to spotlight one of them in particular: that is, the 2005 classic known as Doom.

If you've ever played Doom, you'll know that it's a first person shooter video game that is ultra violent and filled with enemy monsters that you can mow down with your gun. The film itself has an exhilarating sequence in which the camera assumes the first person perspective, and for awhile, it really feels like you're the one shooting at the enemy. Doom is also surprisingly good at maintaining the suspense. But none of these things justify spending two hours of your life on this movie. Below are the real reasons why you should rent Doom today.

1) It stars The Rock.

Don't tell us that you refuse to see Dwayne Johnson try to convey authority by making his eyes bulge out of its sockets. As Sarge - the hardcore leader of a band of Marines sent to a research facility on Mars in order to "kill and destroy" - you get to see The Rock emoting by furrowing his brows, swearing, and waving around an impossibly huge gun. And we don't want to give anything away, but if you've ever wondered what Mr. Johnson would look like as a zombie, here is your chance.

2) It also stars Karl Urban.

We'll admit: the thought of seeing a rugged, soldierly Karl Urban - aka Doctor McCoy in the new Star Trek movie - was the main reason we even watched this movie in the first place. And ladies, you won't be disappointed: Karl Urban is John Grimm (or "Reaper"). He's the smart, noble, brooding hero with the tragic past and an estranged sister. What's not to love? Look at that face above: it's practically Shakespearean in its tragicosity. And while Karl is given some pretty terrible lines, he still manages to imbue them with dignity and sensitivity. In short, we'd hit it harder than the angry fist of God.

3) It has God-awful dialogue.

Like all craptacular movies, Doom has a script that will make you laugh like a loon (unintentionally, of course.) Some of our favorite lines come from banter between the men; others are produced by the weird sexual chemistry Reaper has with his twin sister. Here are some of our favorite gems:

• "Looks like we missed the party."
• "If they were so smart, how come they're so dead?"
• "You know, Duke, I bet secretly you've got a big heart."
• "Does it ever bother you, you could've spent your life looking in a microscope instead of a sniper scope?"
• "I'm taking a shit, you fucking gimp."

Ah, poetry.

4) There are monsters and zombies.

This is arguably the most important reason why you should see this movie. The zombies in this movie don't shuffle along and moan. They're fast, they snarl at you, and they'll put an axe through your head if you give them the chance. The monsters are pretty gross and terrifying too. If you haven't been convinced by this post thus far, just see this movie for the creatures, because they're awesome.

Screencap from Sagralisse

Wednesday is For the Ladies, and That's the Only Reason We're Writing This.

We've read the books and seen the movies, and we have to admit ... we have a love/hate relationship with Twilight. On the one hand, Smeyer writes a pretty entertaining love story, so long as you're a sucker. Which we are. On the other hand, if you are a reflective sort of reader, once you detach yourself from the story, you wish fervently that you could rewind your day and do something else with it.

For us, the moment of reflective clarity came during Breaking Dawn. We thought the book overall was kind of lame, but once she got to the part where Bella named her baby Renesmee, it was over. We could no longer take it seriously. Our irreverence, however, made watching the movies so much more entertaining.

While we're on the subject, we have a confession to make: we got chastised by rabid fans during the midnight showing of Twilight. Our friend, who is of the gentleman variety, really wanted to see the midnight showing, and we were happy for him to use our enthusiasm as an excuse ("What? She dragged me to it!"). Whilst we giggled happily at every moment of pure awkwardness, the fan next to us apparently became angrier and angrier, until she said, "Shut the [expletive deleted] up or LEAVE!" It just made us giggle more.

ANYWAYS. Since Wednesday is for the Ladies, we thought we might discuss the gentlemen of the Twilight series, particularly Edward and Jacob. We are wholeheartedly on the side of Team Jacob, because he is happy much more frequently than Edward. Jacob cracks jokes. He tries to make Bella smile. Basically, he's kind of a sweetheart. And although we understand why that would not be something you would want your boyfriend to do ALL the time - we certainly wouldn't - he's just way less lame than Edward.

Despite our fervent love of Jacob, we understand the appeal of Edward. He's all mysterious and broody, and we, who are fair-skinned, would definitely not be intimidated by his tan, since he doesn't have one. Also, we really like rain. And the Cullens are nice ... Okay, we really don't get why everybody is all up in Edward's business.

Allow us to outline some of our reasons for disliking Edward.

1. He's selfish. All he ever thinks about is how much he loves Bella, and why that's bad or whatever. He never thinks about what she might want. Jacob is all about what Bella wants.
2. He's too serious. Dude, chill out. Yes, there are psycho vampires around. But don't you realize that love conquers everything, even bloodsuckers?
3. He's kind of a control freak. Edward is always trying to "protect" Bella by forbidding her to leave her house, or sending family members to spy on her. Jacob, on the other hand, allows Bella some space. He'll tell her if she's doing something stupid, but he never says, "I am going to prevent something from occurring because I think it will protect you." Edward does it all the freakin' time. Liek, OMG, let her think for herself.
4. He's cold. This is totally a personal quirk. We are always cold. No, seriously, our fingers are like ice cubes RIGHT NOW, as we type this. We could not handle the vampire.

Yes, we think Edward is super lame, but really, we think the whole series is kind of lame. Even though we find Jacob infinitely preferable to Edward, we would not date either of them (we would also not date their real-life counterparts, because RPattz is totally a stoner and Taylor Lautner is too young). In fact, we're not even sure why we spent the last half-hour writing about them.

Peace out.

Carrying a Torch ... For Torchwood (Yes, We Just Went There).

Well, kids, it looks like Heroes is over for the season. Is that a good or bad thing? We can't decide. What we do know is that we need a show to fill that time. We're not yet sure what NBC will come up with, it being the Olympics and all, and can we just take a moment to say how much we LOVE THE OLYMPICS?!?!? Love. Them. And, really, they're kind of like science fiction - have you seen those skiers flying through the air? Crazy talk.

We digress. What we're trying to say is that we need a new sci-fi show, stat. While we work on finding something to recap every week, let us tell you about what is possibly our favorite sci-fi show ever.

If you're new to the sci-fi genre, we will let you in on a little secret: Doctor Who. Doctor Who is fun for several reasons:

1. It's low-budget, and therefore, highly entertaining
2. It's British, which makes it better than anything American, just kidding, we don't want to turn into Gwyneth Paltrow here
3. The Doctor is generally (in new episodes, at least) played by an attractive gentleman.

We know you're sold, but before you run out the door to your local Blockbuster - or look the show up on Netflix, where you can find quite a few episodes available to watch instantly - we want to tell you about a show we think we might like even more than Doctor Who.

Probably a lot of people are going to call us blasphemers for having just said that, especially if they know what show we're about to discuss. But we shall persist in our love of this show, because it is awesome. During the second season of the most recent Doctor Who incarnation, the BBC capitalized on a couple of the show's more interesting secondary characters and created a spinoff. That spinoff is called Torchwood.

We once said on our (personal) Twitter account that we thought it was silly for people to watch Torchwood without watching Doctor Who first. We stand by that statement. Doctor Who is awesome. But one of the defining characteristics of The Doctor is that he steadfastly refuses to tell anyone anything about his past. We get to know quite a lot about his present, and about his relationships with the ladies who travel with him (of course they're always ladies ... no television show is complete without some palpable sexual tension), but hardly anything about his own personality or what his life was like before his planet was destroyed in the Time War. We think that's super lame.

What we love about Torchwood is the character development. The show revolves around Gwen Cooper (who is a descendant of the Gwen Cooper who was in the TOTALLY AWESOME Doctor Who episode about Charles Dickens, and is, of course, played by the same woman), a police officer in Cardiff. She discovers Torchwood accidentally, and although they try to erase her memory of it, she's too smart for them bwahahaha etc. Torchwood is led by Captain Jack Harkness, who is also in several episodes of Doctor Who and who cannot die. The other Torchwood officers include Doctor Owen Harper, who dies twice; Toshiko Sato, who carries a major torch for Owen but only dies once; and Ianto Jones, who is sleeping with Captain Jack and who has remained alive thus far. What, we never said Torchwood wasn't also full of cheesy things.

Whereas Doctor Who is primarily about crazy alien stuff and how smart-but-not-remotely-readable the Doctor is, Torchwood puts the aliens aside and focuses on the characters.

Let's pause to think about what we just said.

Pause over. In summation: We love us some Doctor Who, but we really appreciate the writers' decision to allow viewers to get to know the people of Torchwood. Also, we kind of have a thing for Ianto.